MandarineSlice: just ignore me on your way to better blogs

MandarineSlice

Hopefull pessimist...and I am sure the world has not seen enough of me...just as I have definitely not seen enough of it! ;)

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

just ignore me on your way to better blogs

I'm in that dark place again...a place I haven't visited in along time...or at least I knocked at its door, but I haven't really stayed around long enough for it to answer...or maybe I just visited it briefley like I do my grandmother so I don't reach the boiling point where she'll gets me so mad I'll start screaming and yelling at her like a maniac. Yes...I have a dark side...perhaps the deepest and truest side of me. It's darker and deeper than most that of most people I know. Adi said to me yesterdy that when I start getting gloomy and dark I start sinking and I never stop until I reach the very bottom and there's no place left to go. I for one thought that I was always a fighter because I am able to get myself up again after I had been so low...but no...he's right...I let myself go...without even trying to swim to the top first. I am quitter...I am really stearing towards the place I belong.
I'm listening to Placebo...I always do that when I am gloomy...their music defines my state. I have very good memories of 'the guys' when I went to their concert this summer...the energy...the empowerment I felt that night...But...live is one thing and listening to them on the fucking iTunes player is another (Just as another gloomy aspect of my existance ...I hate iTunes 'cose I feel it makes me feel so limited...with its alternative playlists and stuffed with album advertisements...It really limits my choices. I always have to keep my music in the same freakin' folder otherwise "the ol' performant iTunes" won't recognise the path...dunno...to me that's not really peformance...and I really don't feel I need to have lists and lists...my list is that only one..it defines my state then and their)...whetever
Getting back to my gloomy side...I guess sometimes I feel that's the only real part of me. It's the only place where I am comfortable with myself. No expectations..no demands...no ambitions to make myself better! When you've reached the bottom it's quite safe...I mean...there's no more fearing the worse...there's no more wishing you were better...because you're not...it's obvious...isn't it?!?! You're there...at the botttom...which proves you're not strong enough to be anywhere else...And you're actually comfortable there...which proves that's where you belong!
Sometimes I think I am useless...so if I am useless, therefore so is this blog...it just reflects the vacancy inside of me. It's just a proof that I have nothing interesting to say to the world...I have a pretty nice blogroll though...yeah...I've always been good at spotting talent...so skip any kinnda text from me on your way to my blog list of links! That at least will give me the self-fulfilling feeling of an effcient intermediate. Maybe that's what I am good at? Not standing in the way of people's greatness. Maybe I could make a career out of that! How much would such a job pay?
It only happens when I don't love myself anymore... I doubt I ever truly do, but sometimes I go into courtship with Myself just too see if we can make things work...But today is just one of those days when Myself hung up on me, won't return my calls and erases my e-mails without even reading them...ooohh... I am really mad at Myself today...and yet whenever we have a fight like this I start feeling...
useless....and the feeling the perpetuates...
I am thinking of asking for a raise...
LOL...

2 Comments:

Anonymous bliss said...

where's albeenah and what have you done to her? :)

Feb 7, 2007, 8:43:00 PM  
Blogger albeenah said...

she just a really strong "brush" with a bad day...she ran outta honey...;)

Feb 8, 2007, 9:16:00 AM  

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